Life you go on

With twists and turns you were uncertain ,
times when I was tentative , times when I was wrong ,
Errors-corrections-more errors , Sure you got complex ,
Complex for slowly changing goals and evolving priorities.

perceptions prejudices had to be amended ,
Felt burdened overdoing things ,
On occasions not giving full dedication ,
Of being in love and care , overshadowed by moments of loneliness ,
Introspection , smiles , understanding the thin lines ,
You had multiple colors , I kept changing with you.

Quest for wider perspective ,
Search for future with reason to value ,
Remain on positive side when in trouble ,
Know that past should not be burden ,
Future should hold reason for hope .

Realize performance as per potential ,
Think , decide and act but do not stop ,
For you continuity is only constant ,
Overcome helplessness with knowledge about truth.

You will become formidable soon ,
As i will try to hold on forte and improve,
Retrospect view indicates what is yet to come ,
Time to renew eagerness to rise ,
Time to add wonderful chapters to life.

p.s : On new year eve time to wish Happy new year to all friends .
Let's renew resolve to leave bad habits and continue with good work towards better future.

You will be there

Whenever i search you , i can feel your presence ,
stupid talks with unnecessary information ,
Some repetitive ones and some not so new ,
In moments of hopelessness and in moments of joy ,
Tried to ignore with open eyes ,
At times i Could hear you without any voice ,
Somehow i held on and said all will pass.

All i did was was with no bad intentions ,
Felt bad when i did want you to turn ,
On one side i did respect your decision
Felt bad when i could not hold those emotions ,
As you said ," don't want you to see that way "

Why i felt it that way , why i stood there for so late?
May be i don't want to know the reasons.
Why some paths intersect , why some stories intercept?
I know  , I'll never find  some answers.

There are moments when you are missed ,
when i walk with slight slow pace thinking you are by my side
When i try to sing with voice not so nice ,
As i try to correct my bad habits ,
I hear you say , " don't want to see you that way "

I wondered if this search has any ending ,
May be you will never show up ,
I know you will giggle listening this part of the story ,
Anyways, you will know the other part of the journey.

Confusion galore , i know for sure ,
I shall clear the the path we shall walk together,
I will listen more and speak less ,
Will read you and won't bother about writing ,
Caring you will be like getting cared ,
Slow motion it is as i try to peep into my future ,
It feels good , at last , you will be there.

India Unbound : A side view

Recently, i did finish reading the book India Unbound by Gurcharan Das. A blog entry on the same was expected as an after effect. The optimism shown in the book is one of the better points , all of us should show similar pragmatic optimism in daily routine. By the time i realized , i was deeply engrossed reading each chapter with utmost concentration . I wish i can read everything with that level of dedication and concentration. It was heartening to read the facts that how Nehru's idealism failed to get implemented ,how we created difficulty in our own growth story and we failed to eradicate poverty in time. By the time we took measures to remove those obstacles , 40+ years had passed since independence and many countries have moved ahead of us.

Without going into other aspects of the discussions beautifully raised in the book , i would like to come to the topic which i want to elaborate here. Obviously , these are my thoughts and as i fondly say , subject to evolve in future. In the book there were so many references of middle class values. Some values are so apparent and some are hidden , you have to really explore to discover that. The topic is difficult to handle as i can already feel . The source of values are multiple as i try to trace the origin. Some are family values which can qualify to be middle class values.

1: Earn the right to have/haven't : I remember once i had asked dad , " why we can't have that thing called a-car ". Dad's gentle reply was , " only eligible people get that , for that you have to study very hard and get that " . Then i didn't know what people become by studying very hard. He said ," study hard , you will become someone good for sure and you will get 'that-thing' for sure ". This certainly qualifies as middle class value and the motivation is kept alive by always working for the goal and good things do come in between.

2: Austere lifestyle : Extra things should be minimized . Have only those things which you require. When i visit home, i am reminded of austere lifestyle which should be the guiding force. Family members still wonder , how that plate of vegetable served in a normal restaurant can cost 200 rupees per plate. I don't think mom-dad will agree to eat food served which come with such price tag. At the same time , Somehow they think new generation has right to eat that food , the bottom line remains "Earn the right ".

3: Calculate your resources : I failed to explain to dad on the topic , why people use credit cards? His question was, anyway the money has to be paid , so what's usability. I tried to come up with those cash-back and use-now-pay-later argument. But still, that was unconvincing explanation . he said , "may be that is useful ,but i don't understand". Spending after calculating the available resources has been one main family teaching which has been repeated to me time and again . This sub topic will remain incomplete if i don't quote John Abraham . He once said , " I am from the family where 1 rupee is valued as 100 paisa" .This explains the importance of the value. Now i know ,in all middle class families this value is taught everyday.

4: Hard work : Border road Organization's Motto : Shramena Sarvam Sadhyam ( Sanskrit words which means .... with hard work everything is possible ) . I was introduced to this fact in my family , though no one pointed this specifically . I remember my maternal grandma used to extract cream everyday from milk . The process requires a lot of patience and one has to believe the fact that milk contains cream and that can be extracted . That cream was later converted into ghee . With this small reference ,i knew with hard work we can do beautiful things. Other similar instances from my maternal grandma's activities are also mentionable i.e one can scan through 100 kg of rice in one go , looking for presence of small stone pieces or foreign particles not belonging to rice "community" , we can separate two pulses from each other ,last but not the least, one can wake up at "4am" in the morning. Only requirement is belief, supplemented by hard work and sense of urgency. Of course ,later on with experience as we become good at things we do routinely.

5: Learn good things from others : Washing cloths , cleaning utensils , cooking. I did not know these things until i did know i need to perform that activity.I thought ," What is the solution ? isn't it simple?". How mom used to do this task?It's wonderful to know , that you know things from others , in their style. As i wash cloths , i know i'm using mom's algorithm. When i keep a backup plan , i know mom does the same way. When i leave earlier than usual to catch a train , that is dad's way. The arrogance , which i show sometimes ,is from my elder brother. In addition many attributes of mine have come to me from my friends , but that will be other topic of discussion. As middle class we do take help from others and learn from them as well. This can qualify as middle class value.

6: Ignore and adjust :This has been another keyword which i try to work on. I still remember the day when i had to go away from family to carry on with life from boarding school . Mantra given to me was , you need to adjust with different people.
The end result has been , as most of the times i was reserved and was cautious with the fact that how much words i use with whom . I did manage to get good friends in the process.On broader side, we can not be friends with everyone, but this doesn't
mean we should have enemies. Sometimes we have to compromise for mutual good. This is evident in international arena as well ex. India and china are not friends for sure ,with due respect to "Hindi-chini-bhai-bhai" slogan , but our trade volume is
certainly very high.

The quest to understand middle class values is life long . There is always scope to improve on all values identified and one can always discover new ones.

Before closing : India Unbound is certainly one of better books i have read . Reading the book was simply fascinating and great learning experience as well . I can happily say , I am better person after reading this book. The concepts and ideas
described in the book will define me in future and will be guiding force for me.

Moments these are

Moments are delicate and sweet,
You fail to mention how much you love, people around you,
You want to continue speaking after saying bye,
You turn back to see one last glimpse.

Moments are special and memorable,
When old friend call you other night,
You wear same shirt again and again ,
Just because someone did appreciate that long time ago.

Moments are apprehensive and confusing
Which line to get in at ticket counter?
Which word to say as communication starter?
What to do when you have to wake up early?

Moments are long and still ,
You hold words in your heart ,
You laugh, holding pain in heart,
You waited for some one's glimpse.

Moments are rude and bad,
You get angry for no reason ,
You fail to apologize in time,
You let go happiness knocking your door,
You are busy with some lame work.

Moments are pure and joyful ,
You participate in that famous gossip,
You mimic and play pranks with friends,
You know persons who care for you.

Moments of failure , moments of success,
Moments of happiness , moments when you are sad,
Some make us better , other make us bad,
Some moments when you are alone,
Other moments with everyone around you.

The Moments define our life,
Some are easy and some are hard to find,
Some can't be mentioned in words,
As they say....it can only be felt.

Choti and frogy moments

Note : C=choti , f=frogy

Taken from one typical choti-frogy talk

In the middle of the talk.....

f: you like me?

c: you mean, i should call you sweet and cute?

f: There you go.Now you know me better.....i'm happy.

c: That's fine , but i like surprises, Saying you what you want me to say is hardly cool.

f: yes, that i know ...but...

c: May be you should call me cute then.

f: I should ..but you are too cute to be called cute and your sweetness can hardly be confined in one word "Sweet".

c: Don't try to be....leave it. Now, i want you to surprise me because i like surprises. Enough reasons...isn't it?

f: ok , i shall try to surprise you .

c: aha! , what do you mean?? From where these words "try to " , "shall" are coming. Just say you will surprise me now and now only.

f: ok....i'll surprise you now and now only.

c: now, i like you.

f: i know

c: oh no!!! , why your face is looking like sady sady?

f: nothing

c: no something is wrong. I shouldn't had talked to you like that. I'm so rude.

f: now see that expression on your face. Didn't i say , you are too cute to be called cute.

c: yes Mr. Frogy , you know things better than me. And i can say any number of times you are so nice.

f: crazy at best you are...aren't you?

c: as you say.....


Still in the middle of the talk.....

Some talks are really endless. Some fights are typical but still refreshing each time. Talking about Protagonists of the story. First Frogy . He was too much confused , kind at heart ( don't know how he was non-vegetarian ),late in realizing mistakes,bad at emotions(good at hiding them) ,always a sigh creature. About choti , less said is best said as her name says.So aggressive ( frogy had to face it every moment ) , strong willed , strong at heart , good at handling weak souls ( after all frogy was to be handled emotionally). At the core of that strong soul did lie so innocent face of choti. As Mr. frogy claimed every time, this innocent face did make him fall for choti.

Coming back to the story, how it started? When-where-why? Was it really a story? Answer is unknown. Mr. frogy didn't believe in luck/fate/destiny. Choti did count these things.What held them together in those circumstances is bigger mystery. It was 2312 AD to be precise. Humans had developed "too much". To add to these confusion , technology had developed so much that it was possible to make other species from existing i.e frogs to humans. Many countries had mastered this technology. But this was still not easily available technology to all countries. Mr. frogy was chosen frog in country kumken to be first frog-made-human. Choti , a human belonging to the 'lilliput' tribe was working as intern in the lab where this secret mission was being incorporated. The moment when they saw each other was not love at first sight. Then they hardly knew what lay ahead for them.......series of special moments , each contained full life in itself. Sometimes longevity can't be measured in terms of time elapsed...sometimes precious value of each moment dictates the measurement criteria....the unending saga that was....Frogy and choti moments i did call.


p.s : The person for whom this was written, disdainfully rejected to read this. But sometimes some lines are written even if no one is going to read them . "Will you read me when i won't write? " , answer i got , "NO".

Some decision , a moment and the appreciation

Agent Smith : Neo , you are going to help us......whether you want or not......Because you have decided this and we won't give you time to think why you have decided this . Changing the decision is beyond is thing of the past which can't be undone.Such can be the game sometimes...oops!! most of the times. We do what others want us to do just because we had decided to do that. What one wants to do and in what manner is lost in translation when it comes from others mind. What next?...its silent quest to redeem the lost grounds by adjusting to the scenario. Adaptation and survival of the fittest has resulted into evolution or the other way around? Let's leave this for the better minds to study and achieve greatness from the same. Is it like this way that lesser souls will have to lose freedom at the expense of hard decision.


Here comes the abrupt end of random thoghts......it's not random if i think from my conscience .We end up getting into measurable situation just because one decided to do that ...what must be known always is why this decision was made. This will help coming out of the bad situation and similar mistake if possible won't be repeated if one is lucky/unlucky to face similar scenario again.

Moving on to the special moment part.
Date : 20th Sept 2010 AD
Time : around 1:20PM IST
Location : escalator
Responsible entity : one friend
Scenario : The entity started singing one song and stopped abruptly because some other entities claimed entry into the elevator...actually it was some initial words of the lyrics "gal meethi meethi bol " . what was special about the moment can't be expressed in words. This has led me to write all other special moments in the past which i have observed....work in progress on that.

Finally, time to close this blog entry , this is being done by mentioning my pleasure over my first work-related-appreciation-mail....at least this did qualify my criteria of appreciation mail . The same has been stored by religiously naming one folder "Appreciation mail". I hope this is the beginning of more such mails . Before closing, "In this world there is more hunger for love and appreciation then for food " .

Bye folks!

Sometimes.....

When things seem out of control,
when mind plays its own role,
i search someone to be on my side,
Always i wish to control myself.

This dream is about knowing myself,
This hope about me and myself,
Why 'myself' has to be 'right'?
why 'me' always has to give a 'fight'?


Questions leading me nowhere,
may be there are just questions,
answers are there but hidden,
may be i don't want to know answers.

I have my own way of acting-reacting,
I know some seem correct some are non-trivial,
many times i have nothing to explain,
i call this "sometimes life-has-to-go-like-this".

May be i expect too much every time,
but there is hope next time,
forgetting can be bad at times,
alas! i hear those whispers every time.

Time has come take new resolution,
Expect nothing to remain in fools paradise,
There are windows showing real-world,
I call this reality-always-bites.


Some stories will always remain incomplete,
Some thoughts will always make me feel light,
I search someone to be on my side,
that someone will hold me tight.

sometimes i feel this way......


p.s : Sometimes i feel this way and that way is right now...feeling lonely

crossing the line.......think

As i was thinking about the topic of this blog entry above mentioned title came into my mind. If i am not wrong "Crossing the line " was sports program aired on DD national ( 5-6 years back ) ( one movie also with same name ) . This blog entry is all about crossing the line , knowing where the line is , once crossed what processes are to be followed to make things straighten up. Bottom-line remains , one learns from mistakes .

I was going through the interview of steve bucknor ( well known cricket umpire ). The question being answered was

" you made many mistakes while umpiring , do you regret making those mistakes ? ".

The answer : " no i don't regret. if i regret making mistakes , i regret being human being ".

How many times we did hear the words " don't cross the line or you will have to face the consequences " . As a kid i always saw aussies saying some "words" ( i was told they operate from within the line ) . When indians started doing similar things , it was called , they crossed the line ( fully debatable topic this is ). so funda is very clear , we should try not to cross the limit ( reminder : all reactions require threshold energy ). Biggest problem is knowing the where the line is . If we know the problem then we can solve the problem. Another thing which generates interest is "everything is relative". This makes knowing the "line" tedious job.This threshold can be in many forms i.e pampering others , doing bad things , bad habits etc etc.


OOps!....... the line crossed , what now?
The scheme of things here is to give ample time to understand the damage . Many times we just don't have the "time" to understand the situation i.e forced to react in others way. If we have time , surely the problem should be handled with cool mind. Most of the time we say "this has never happened to me"......but many things happen in life for the first time and anyone will agree , "life gives no retake".
we should be ready to accept the mistake and learn from that mistake. The point which should be kept in min is "don't generalize the problem/ solution blindly ". Pre-conceived notions are worst enemies.


Before closing i would like to say hope for the best be prepared for the worst. Saying ,i was not prepared for this wont help for long.


p.s : random thoughts ruling me these days. Nothing official about it :P

looking........... back /forward

definition
virtual world = gtalk 'new' additions / dc++ friends from college / blogger friends /internet forum's friends

My blogging days as engineering college student has ended ( leaving college hostel tomorrow ) . Will be on blogger as 100% engineer . Will try to add something else to my real-life profile of mine in future ( mba ..etc ) .

Experience with virtual world has been nice. At times this bugged me , but most of the times it felt like heaven . Precisely, i experienced the virtual world for two and half year. Before internet meant maintaining contact with real-life friends / browsing / searching .

This post is about , how virtual world took something out of me. No hard feeling against the ' culprits '.

Initially it was addiction to this world which was bugging me . Now the contents of this world are bugging me. I thought every thing is roasy about the virtual world. But forgot the real life people are on virtual world. They come with predefined inconsistencies and imperfection.
Many times we assume things about the persons on virtual world. We make some too big and someone too small .

So how was i bugged? i won't explain . Here are some things which can be said , maintaining suspense factor associated with each . What i felt are as under.....

# ignored at times : this might had happened unintentionally /intentionally . But do we expect everyone to notice one in this world. naah!! . Being ignored is the reality bite. I was prepared for this still got bugged.....sometimes preparedness also doesn't help.

# cheated : not big cheating did occur , mild cheat :P . Will make the person who did this to read this blog entry. The person has to face mild anger from my side for doing that thing to me. This came some short of shocker to me. . actually i was unprepared for this thing from that 'creature'. I was taken off-guard when this cheating thing did occur . Even now my heart is with her but brain is not supporting the same .

# i am giving too much of information about myself : Others might have felt , this , and they successfully knew everything about me without telling anything about them. I did not respect my privacy , i think i should had....( here , me is angry with myself )

# Felt i knew nothing about the person : real shocker, how can it be? The person was so depressed , and i got no wind about the same. Felt like culprit when she disclosed in which state she was the other night.


# pampered others : with my stupid talk . Yes when i felt so , really bad i felt . it was like cheapness personified. Expect less from others , at times i did expect too much .

# rejected : One demand of mine was rejected . This demand was something close to heart . I felt like animal on knowing this. Am i so bad? , no is the answer, but i know everyone will not understand this thing in this world . preoccupied ides....culprit here.

Nevertheless , i am still addicted to this world. I have more reasons to love this world then to hate. I just wish that day never comes , when i hate virtual world . This world has given me more then i did expect .

Again , no hard feeling against the ' creatures ' due to whom above mentioned point did originate ( me included in the list of creatures ). I am lucky, i got chance to know you people . I will continue in virtual world , but with caution , after above mentioned things which i have felt/experienced.

But i won't be over cautious , for sure :P

p.s : this blog entry is dedicated to sweetest "jasoos" i will ever know . That creature is responsible for "rejected " point mentioned above.

Award time : This is for Kajal!! . Smile kajal... smile ....always....

feeling lonely......

In earlier cases this might had been my diary entry....me talking to myself. Don't know why i am writing this on blog. Readers can avoid this as this is boring face of mine.

So, here i am the state of mind which i dislike...feeling lonely. This is due to some decisions i have to make soon. With college ending ( 10 days ) , i am again seeing element of void in near future. Time to get out of comfort zone . Very apprehensive i am , what is there for me in future ?. Some career decisions are to be taken by me and me alone . Very lonely......mood swing since yesterday evening.

While i am writing this , "Savage garden : when you feel all alone ", is playing on my comp. i am really touched by the lines....

"When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't take anymore"

I feel really bad when i have to wait alone at railway platform. I hate walking alone . Talking to self is painful at times . The questions ,"what i have done till now? " , really tests my control on myself.

I have always been some sort of loner , introvert , and whatever words can be used for this situation. I can't explain why this is the case with me . May be in quest of becoming good-boy i got so serious and hence loner . In 3-4 years situation has changed slightly , but still i have remained where i was. But can't take anymore, just hate feeling lonely. It's like enough is enough.


I just hope , everything goes fine. Bad thing, i can't ask 'god' to help me. Side effects of being non-believer.