Change : The observation

How diffcult it gets to share emotions. Its not easy to climb those walls time and again. How often we think twice before calling someone? The questions are obvious,what will i talk? do i have reason to call? Do i have reason to send SMS? How things take twists and turns? Once unseen barriers become rift and that keeps on widening? Is looking towards different path can solve the problem? It's easy to make speculation? why-someone-did-this-to-me scenario? How often talking to self only increases the pain? How helpless one can get when there is no fight between me and myself , not long ago this fight inside me was sweet and cute( for quite sometime they are sadly in unison ).

In past scenarios this situation was the case when i used to open some random page from my notebook and used to write randomly, bringing my thoughts on paper. I still remember that embarrassing situation when my friend had opened one of those pages and started reading that( class 11 days to be precise ) . I had to literally snatch the notebook vehemently to save my thoughts from being read. That reaction of mine was rude and uncharacteristic of me for sure. I didn't know then many more such pages are to be written . As i write this blog entry i surprisingly know i don't possess any of those pages at this moment. Pages which contained my emotions in black and white. most of the times they were new resolutions , i-shall-do-this-do-that type to motivate self. Others meant to criticize self for wrong actions. When even 1 hour was scrutinized and analyzed. Number of sleeping hours were counted and curtailed. Alarm clock was effectively used time and again . Waking up early in morning was regular phenomena .Spending even 1 rupee had to be justified .Eating outside was part of rarest of rare occasion . Dream was about unknown future. Sometimes doing everything to capacity can't keep away some difficult moments away.Mountain of expectations were ahead of me. i knew , "good is not good when excellent is expected" .

As i'm writing these otherwise meaningless words and throat is too chocked to speak any words; I find only one change in me over the years. Then,i didn't want anyone to listen my sad words. Words which haunt me and defeat me in war inside me everytime. Now, somehow its getting frustratingly difficult to hold words inside me. I just wish this phenomena is temporary one. But agonies are so difficult to handle, only because we don't know about length of that. The quest goes on, in search of the soul who will listen to "i-me-and-myself" at the same time . Waiting for the days when the fight, "me v/s myself" ,is resumed.I just hope that sweet fight is resumed ASAP : as soon as possible....the wait is on